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Anaconda Love

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tn secret hearts wideIt was consummated at conception. At first I was resistant. I couldn’t get over the fact that I was bound to this relationship without my consent. As time went by I realized that our love was real. Whenever I was stressed, we’d escape the fiery furnace of life and cuddle under the stars. Whenever I was depressed, we’d laugh until the rising of the sun and setting down of the same. Whenever I felt forgotten, our love reminded me that I was remembered. Whenever I felt rejected, our love told me that I was chosen. Whenever I felt angry, our love would bring me peace. And whenever I felt unloved, our union erased all doubt. I never thought I’d give up Jesse’s love.  

It started off slow. The first couple of weeks he would call just to say hello. Then he started sending me flowers. And then began what he called ‘quality time.’ Time in his presence. Time passing. Time standing still. Time. Together. Time. The more we met up – and the longer we talked, the more he complimented me, catered to me and loved me – the more confused I got. In my opinion, I hadn’t given him anything worth loving, yet he would look into my eyes as if he adored my very being.

One day we were taking a walk just holding hands and I got a text from Lyer. He told me how much he missed me and inquired of my whereabouts. Blood rushed to my face as I remembered how Lyer made me feel. I couldn’t even hear Jesse’s voice anymore. A huge grin slowly crawled across my face, as all I could think about was Lyer. He would push my hair behind my ear and whisper how beautiful he thought I was, or how he’d be in withdrawal without me. I longed for that feeling of being desired by him, even if most of it was just pretend. Regardless of our charade I had to see him. At least one last time. I mean, Jesse will understand. I’d told him I don’t believe in exclusivity.

As my phone kept vibrating, Jesse never scolded nor inquired as to who was disrupting his time. But I had to go. I had to figure out some way to gently end our time together. As if he could read my mind Jesse said, “It’s about that time. Let’s get you home.”

I watched out the front door window as he drove off. When his brake lights were out of view, I ran down the stairs and sent Lyer a text message telling him I’d be at his place in 15 minutes. You will not believe what happened next. As I was driving to Lyer’s, Alcon called. Now every time Alcon and I are together we have a great time! I feel like a completely different person when I’m with him – like I’m under his influence; always wanting a refill even when I’m not without.

I couldn’t see Alcon and Lyer in the same night…could I? Hmmm…Alcon is a night owl. I know he’ll be up for a while and if I tell him I’m coming I know he’ll wait up. I’ve got it! I’ll go see Lyer for a couple hours, then on my way home stop by Alcon’s. I’ll probably just stay the night there. He’s so intoxicating.

As I remembered the times with Lyer and Alcon, I couldn’t help but long for my favorite love. Seks. I loved him the most because he was so spontaneous, and passionate, and gentle, and fulfilling. I felt like he just got me. I was my most vulnerable, open, honest self when I was with him, and he was the same with me. It’s like we were one person. Ok! Tonight I’ll stay with Alcon and tomorrow I’ll go see Seks. Jesse is going to be so disappointed…but, he knew the type of girl he was getting into a relationship with from the start.

The next morning I woke up with a bad ankle, vomit on my dash, and Seks fast asleep in the back seat of my car. I don’t remember anything. All I knew was that I had 7 missed calls, 3 voice mails, and 12 text messages – all from Jesse.

“Hey.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“Are you ok?”

“Was it something I said?”

“Can we talk?”

“I miss you.”

“Is everything ok? I still haven’t heard back from you.”

“I was going to make a run to our favorite spot, did you want me to pick you up something?”

“I guess you’re busy...”

“Call me when you’re free.”

“I hope everything’s ok. I’m starting to really worry.”

“I guess we’ll talk later. I love you.”

I genuinely feel bad. Cheating on such a kind, faithful, selfless man kills me inside. I hate running out on him. I can’t help it. I told him. I’ve loved Seks for years! Not to mention Lyer and Alcon. Why would Jesse place himself in this situation? Why would he knowingly love someone who is so adamant about being with someone else? It’s like he’s trying to love them out of me! It’s like his love is squeezing the life out of my past. It’s a constricting, suffocating, past-breaking kind of love. It’s an anaconda love. A love that squeezes everything that is in opposition to itself to death, so that it can have you whole…

*******

I don’t know about you, but as I have reflected on the words of Ellen White in regards to consecration it really made me think about the things in my life I struggle to let go of. I keep asking myself:  what do I keep running back to because I’m scared of being exclusive with God? Consecration is about going to the next level. God is not going to us. It’s time for us to make a decision. Are we going to, “[lay] aside all malice, all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and all evil speaking, as newborn babes, desir[ing] the pure milk of the word, that [we] may grow thereby, if indeed [we] have tasted that the Lord is gracious” (1 Peter 2:1-3), or are we going to keep playing the harlot?

Believe me I know your struggle. I know what it’s like to love sin, to be in a relationship with sin for years, to feel as though your sin has supported and comforted and loved you better than God ever could. But what you must realize is that you are missing out on a pure love that does not destroy, exploit, or hurt you in any way. There is no morning after. There are no side effects. There is only self-less, unconditional, forgive-and-forget love. But in order to experience this love you have to commit to Him. Submit to Him. Live your life intentionally, consciously trying to please and serve Him.

You have a choice; consecrate yourself unto God by breaking up with all of your sin-relationships and be exclusive with Him – allowing Him to make you holy and set apart, or play the harlot. Choose ye this day whom you will love…

“We cannot be half the Lord’s and half the world’s. We are not God’s children unless we are such entirely.”

~ Ellen G. White, “Steps to Christ” (p.44)

[This article was based on Based on Hosea chp. 1 – 4 and Steps to Christ chp. 5]

 

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Claudia Marion Allen has a deep love for God, family, and friends.  Originally from Michigan, she graduated from Andrews University in May 2013 and moved to the DC area to pursue a graduate degree in English at Georgetown University.  Her greatest joy while at Andrews came from leading ministries on campus and she's looking forward to working with our ministries here at Metro.

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